Difference between revisions of "Ode of Conduct"

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   No wining, dining or drug dealing.
 
   No wining, dining or drug dealing.
 
   No flasks of Earl Grey or Darjeeling.
 
   No flasks of Earl Grey or Darjeeling.
 
+
 
 
   If you must drink, please don’t slurp.
 
   If you must drink, please don’t slurp.
 
   Please suppress all pumps and burps.  
 
   Please suppress all pumps and burps.  
 
+
 
 
   Don’t rustle sweets. Don’t kick chairs.
 
   Don’t rustle sweets. Don’t kick chairs.
 
   Don’t furtle in your underwear.  
 
   Don’t furtle in your underwear.  
 
+
 
 
   Don’t come in late. Don’t practice hygge,
 
   Don’t come in late. Don’t practice hygge,
 
   Don’t munch on toffees, fudge or nougat.  
 
   Don’t munch on toffees, fudge or nougat.  
 
+
 
 
   Don’t crunch on crabs, prawns or mussels.
 
   Don’t crunch on crabs, prawns or mussels.
 
   Don’t criticise Sir Kenneth Chuckles.  
 
   Don’t criticise Sir Kenneth Chuckles.  
 
+
 
 
   Don’t dare to even suck a crisp.
 
   Don’t dare to even suck a crisp.
 
   Don’t denigrate ‘The Exorcist’.
 
   Don’t denigrate ‘The Exorcist’.
 
+
 
 
   You may eat rolls, but not eclairs.
 
   You may eat rolls, but not eclairs.
 
   Don’t sit near men with 50s hair.
 
   Don’t sit near men with 50s hair.
 
+
 
 
   Don’t take off shoes and don’t deposit
 
   Don’t take off shoes and don’t deposit
 
   Your stomach contents in cleaners’ closets.
 
   Your stomach contents in cleaners’ closets.
 
+
 
 
   Please don’t bring your little sods
 
   Please don’t bring your little sods
 
   To see ‘Aguirre, the Wrath of God’.
 
   To see ‘Aguirre, the Wrath of God’.
 
+
 
 
   Don’t talk of plot points as you’re leaving.
 
   Don’t talk of plot points as you’re leaving.
 
   Don't bring your knitting or your weaving.
 
   Don't bring your knitting or your weaving.
 
+
 
 
   Don’t check your Facebook feed or Twitter.
 
   Don’t check your Facebook feed or Twitter.
 
   Don’t cause a fuss going to the shitter.    insert birdsong as required…
 
   Don’t cause a fuss going to the shitter.    insert birdsong as required…
 
   (…or for the faint-hearted ... Don’t scrumple bags or chuck your litter.)     
 
   (…or for the faint-hearted ... Don’t scrumple bags or chuck your litter.)     
 
+
 
 
   Don’t do ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘Snapchat’.
 
   Don’t do ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘Snapchat’.
 
   Please remove your stovepipe hats.  
 
   Please remove your stovepipe hats.  
 
+
 
 
   Please don’t message. Please don’t Skype.
 
   Please don’t message. Please don’t Skype.
 
   Ladies, please extinguish pipes.  
 
   Ladies, please extinguish pipes.  
 
+
 
 
   Don’t get out mirrors to ‘put your face on’.
 
   Don’t get out mirrors to ‘put your face on’.
 
   Don’t say a big ‘Hello’ to Jason.  
 
   Don’t say a big ‘Hello’ to Jason.  
 
+
 
 
   Please refrain from checking texts.
 
   Please refrain from checking texts.
 
   Don’t indulge in casual sex.  
 
   Don’t indulge in casual sex.  
 
+
 
 
   Keep snogging to the rear rows;
 
   Keep snogging to the rear rows;
 
   This also holds for quiffs and ‘fros.
 
   This also holds for quiffs and ‘fros.
 
+
 
 
   Please don’t wander. Please don’t stand.
 
   Please don’t wander. Please don’t stand.
 
   Please control all flappy hands.
 
   Please control all flappy hands.
 
+
 
 
   Poke-Gos must not be sought,
 
   Poke-Gos must not be sought,
 
   (Even if a ticket’s bought).
 
   (Even if a ticket’s bought).
 
+
 
 
   Please don’t chitter. Please don’t chatter.
 
   Please don’t chitter. Please don’t chatter.
 
   Don’t cleanse yourself of fecal matter.
 
   Don’t cleanse yourself of fecal matter.
 
+
 
 
   Constrain your quips, however witty.
 
   Constrain your quips, however witty.
 
   Never watch ‘Sex & The City.’
 
   Never watch ‘Sex & The City.’
 
+
 
 
   Here ends the main part of the code,
 
   Here ends the main part of the code,
 
   Decreed by Mayo & Kermode.
 
   Decreed by Mayo & Kermode.
 
+
 
 
   But as houselights raise and credits fade,
 
   But as houselights raise and credits fade,
 
   Pop out your crisps and lemonade.
 
   Pop out your crisps and lemonade.
 
+
 
 
   Switch on tablets, mobile phones,
 
   Switch on tablets, mobile phones,
 
   And exclaim - ‘Hellooo to Toby Jones!’
 
   And exclaim - ‘Hellooo to Toby Jones!’
 
+
 
 
   (Just to add one codicil,
 
   (Just to add one codicil,
 
   One time you may do what you will;
 
   One time you may do what you will;
 
+
 
 
   Play your bagpipes - gorge on kormas
 
   Play your bagpipes - gorge on kormas
 
   If the film you’re watching’s called ‘Transformers’.)
 
   If the film you’re watching’s called ‘Transformers’.)

Latest revision as of 13:31, 5 September 2017

A rhyming version of the Moviegoers Code of Conduct by ‘Son of Rimbaud’.

 No wining, dining or drug dealing.
 No flasks of Earl Grey or Darjeeling.
 
 If you must drink, please don’t slurp.
 Please suppress all pumps and burps. 
 
 Don’t rustle sweets. Don’t kick chairs.
 Don’t furtle in your underwear. 
 
 Don’t come in late. Don’t practice hygge,
 Don’t munch on toffees, fudge or nougat. 
 
 Don’t crunch on crabs, prawns or mussels.
 Don’t criticise Sir Kenneth Chuckles. 
 
 Don’t dare to even suck a crisp.
 Don’t denigrate ‘The Exorcist’.
 
 You may eat rolls, but not eclairs.
 Don’t sit near men with 50s hair.
 
 Don’t take off shoes and don’t deposit
 Your stomach contents in cleaners’ closets.
 
 Please don’t bring your little sods
 To see ‘Aguirre, the Wrath of God’.
 
 Don’t talk of plot points as you’re leaving.
 Don't bring your knitting or your weaving.
 
 Don’t check your Facebook feed or Twitter.
 Don’t cause a fuss going to the shitter.    insert birdsong as required…
 (…or for the faint-hearted ... Don’t scrumple bags or chuck your litter.)    
 
 Don’t do ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘Snapchat’.
 Please remove your stovepipe hats. 
 
 Please don’t message. Please don’t Skype.
 Ladies, please extinguish pipes. 
 
 Don’t get out mirrors to ‘put your face on’.
 Don’t say a big ‘Hello’ to Jason. 
 
 Please refrain from checking texts.
 Don’t indulge in casual sex. 
 
 Keep snogging to the rear rows;
 This also holds for quiffs and ‘fros.
 
 Please don’t wander. Please don’t stand.
 Please control all flappy hands.
 
 Poke-Gos must not be sought,
 (Even if a ticket’s bought).
 
 Please don’t chitter. Please don’t chatter.
 Don’t cleanse yourself of fecal matter.
 
 Constrain your quips, however witty.
 Never watch ‘Sex & The City.’
 
 Here ends the main part of the code,
 Decreed by Mayo & Kermode.
 
 But as houselights raise and credits fade,
 Pop out your crisps and lemonade.
 
 Switch on tablets, mobile phones,
 And exclaim - ‘Hellooo to Toby Jones!’
 
 (Just to add one codicil,
 One time you may do what you will;
 
 Play your bagpipes - gorge on kormas
 If the film you’re watching’s called ‘Transformers’.)