Ode of Conduct
A rhyming version of the Moviegoers Code of Conduct by ‘Son of Rimbaud’.
No wining, dining or drug dealing. No flasks of Earl Grey or Darjeeling.
If you must drink, please don’t slurp. Please suppress all pumps and burps.
Don’t rustle sweets. Don’t kick chairs. Don’t furtle in your underwear.
Don’t come in late. Don’t practice hygge, Don’t munch on toffees, fudge or nougat.
Don’t crunch on crabs, prawns or mussels. Don’t criticise Sir Kenneth Chuckles.
Don’t dare to even suck a crisp. Don’t denigrate ‘The Exorcist’.
You may eat rolls, but not eclairs. Don’t sit near men with 50s hair.
Don’t take off shoes and don’t deposit Your stomach contents in cleaners’ closets.
Please don’t bring your little sods To see ‘Aguirre, the Wrath of God’.
Don’t talk of plot points as you’re leaving. Don't bring your knitting or your weaving.
Don’t check your Facebook feed or Twitter. Don’t cause a fuss going to the shitter. insert birdsong as required… (…or for the faint-hearted ... Don’t scrumple bags or chuck your litter.)
Don’t do ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘Snapchat’. Please remove your stovepipe hats.
Please don’t message. Please don’t Skype. Ladies, please extinguish pipes.
Don’t get out mirrors to ‘put your face on’. Don’t say a big ‘Hello’ to Jason.
Please refrain from checking texts. Don’t indulge in casual sex.
Keep snogging to the rear rows; This also holds for quiffs and ‘fros.
Please don’t wander. Please don’t stand. Please control all flappy hands.
Poke-Gos must not be sought, (Even if a ticket’s bought).
Please don’t chitter. Please don’t chatter. Don’t cleanse yourself of fecal matter.
Constrain your quips, however witty. Never watch ‘Sex & The City.’
Here ends the main part of the code, Decreed by Mayo & Kermode.
But as houselights raise and credits fade, Pop out your crisps and lemonade.
Switch on tablets, mobile phones, And exclaim - ‘Hellooo to Toby Jones!’
(Just to add one codicil, One time you may do what you will;
Play your bagpipes - gorge on kormas If the film you’re watching’s called ‘Transformers’.)