Transformers

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"You have helicopters which turn into robots; you have robots which turn into cars - sadly what you don't have is Michael Bay turning into a director who can direct" - Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5live

The first of the sequence of five (there is another one on the way) Transformers films which have had head-bangingly painful effects on Mark. In this one, the Transformers arrive, turn into a selection of General Motors vehicles, perform a selection of anthropomorphic urination gags and blow up a major American city entirely bloodlessly. Sleepy leBeef and Megan Fox - who is meant to be 17 but "looks like a 32-year-old pole-dancing stripper on her night off" - then have sex on one of them.