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"You have helicopters which turn into robots; you have robots which turn into cars - sadly what you don't have is Michael Bay turning into a director who can direct" - Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5live

The first of the sequence of five (there is another one on the way) Transformers films which have had head-bangingly painful effects on Mark. In this one, the Transformers arrive, turn into a selection of General Motors vehicles, perform a selection of anthropomorphic urination gags and utterly devastate a major American city. Sleepy leBeef and Megan Fox - who is meant to be 17 but "looks like a 32-year-old pole-dancing stripper on her night off" - then have sex on one of them.

For all that, when Mark went to see it with his son, his offspring turned to him and said, "daddy, this isn't rubbish at all."